MADD Summary

Many people, and even counselors, do not often know that it is appropriate (because of the kind of traumatic stress victims or families of drunk driving crashes go through) to experience intense, long lasting trauma. This can last from 4 to 7 years. A sudden death is more difficult to cope with than an expected one. It is even more traumatic when one is violently killed. In drinking and driving accidents, the recklessness, senseless and negligent nature of the accident make it even more difficult to understand and accept.

Grief is an experience that is different for each person. When a loved one is lost, each person will experience their grief differently.

The nature of one’s grief depends on a number of aspects:
• The way you learned to cope with the stress in your life before this tragedy.
• The quality of the relationship you had with the person who was killed.
• The circumstances under which your loved one was killed.
• The success you have dealing with the systems with which you interact.
• You religious beliefs and ethnic customs.
• The emotional support you have from your family and friends while grieving.

In the instance of an anticipated death the griever knows ahead of time that death is approaching. This may cause them to act differently from the griever whose death of a loved on is unexpected.

There are a number of stages that one may pass through when one learns of imminent death of a loved one. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the stages through which most people pass when facing the anticipated death of a loved one. (Kubler –Ross’s stages were described for the families of children who were dying of cancer or a terminal illness.)

With unaccepted and violent deaths like murder, suicide or drunk driving the stages are completely different.

Marton Bard and Dawn Sangrey regard the following to be important stages through which one may pass: Initial disorganization, Shock, Struggles/recoil, and Readjustment.
Dr Therese Rando suggests the following three stages: Avoidance, Confrontation, and Re-establishment.

Nowhere does acceptance come in, as these deaths were preventable, unnecessary and mostly avoidable.

The stages of grief are not firm, predictable or concrete; they are merely guidelines or trends. The stages of grief are descriptive, and not prescriptive. It is important to remember to be patient and gentle with yourself when passing through different phases of grief.

In the instance of a traumatic and unexpected death there is no time to say ‘Goodbye’, ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘I love you’.

When people are seriously injured, they usually go into shock and don’t experience pain. The shock to the survivor, upon hearing the news of the death of a loved one, is often more terrifying than the experience of the loved one.
You will not only miss the living presence of your loved one, but you may resent the fact that it was not respected by the killer. You may feel guilt at the fact that you weren’t able to protect the loved one, even though it was not possible. This is especially true of parents who have been conditioned to look after their children – so when a child is killed it is even more traumatic. Shock, numbness and rage are all normal reactions to witnessing a violent crash or accident.

A sudden or violent death is never timely. If your child is killed a part of you is lost too. It has been described as an amputation for the parent – they are alive but part of their body has been permanently removed.
Your potential to nurture and protect is no longer present. It seems terribly wrong to loose a child, as one feels that they should die before their children. It seems very wrong when this pattern is reversed.

If your mate is killed you may have suddenly lost your best friend, your lover, your co-parent, your primary confidant. It can be devastating to be forced to make major decisions alone as you grieve and maintain the family at the same time.

If your parent is killed you deeply regret that the death was an undignified one. It feels wrong to not be able to say goodbye, or thank you.

If your brother or sister is killed you may feel guilty for being alive, even if it doesn’t make sense. It can be especially difficult to face the death of a sibling because it may remind one of their own mortality.

The senselessness of the death is another difficult component to deal with. It is easier to understand death when someone’s body wears out with age or disease, but with a sudden, traumatic death it is clearly someone’s fault. Knowing that your loved one’s death could have been prevented can be one of the most painful aspects of you grief.

With drunk driving deaths, there are criminal justice implications. One may feel frustrated and lost as one faces procedures that are foreign to themselves.
In some countries the Criminal Justice System has effectively collapsed leading to the drunk driver being protected by the Law, and their actions seemingly condoned by the society.

“No rights for Victims”. MADD has worked hard to give the victims rights as well, and has specially trained Lawyers who go to Court with victims to assist them to see that justice is done. MADD has changed the mind set of the US Courts, and now prison sentences are mandatory for drunk drivers who kill or severely injure victims.

There is often a feeling in the community of: “Poor person – they did not mean to kill/injure. Forgive them.” “I have driven drunk before! It could have been me driving – so I will support them.”

One’s financial security may also be threatened because emergency medical care and funerals cost money. Missing work and battling to concentrate may threaten your job security

Recovering from an unexpected death requires a great deal of patience,time and hard work. You will never be exactly the same again.
Getting better means solving problems and completing tasks in your daily life; sleeping well and having energy; feeling good enough about yourself to be hopeful about the rest of your life, and being able to enjoy the pleasurable and beautiful things in life.

You will never forget what happened. You shouldn’t worry that you might forget your loved one, because you won’t. Over time you will be able to remember the happy memories more than the painful ones.

Denial is an important part of grieving. It is normal and functional. It helps to ward off the full impact of trauma until you are able to absorb it. The initial impact of traumatic news may cause one to experience shock. This is much like receiving a general anesthetic. One may find themselves in a state of numbness. You may also not be able to remember how you functioned during the initial days.

Many survivors are surprised to find that they feel anxious, fearful and powerless in the aftermath of a killing. They may also feel that they and their remaining loved ones are more vulnerable than others. It may be hard work to think rationally and go out as it may frighten you. It may be especially difficult to trust other drivers again, or to feel safe in a car for a long time.

Stress following trauma can make you physically sick. You may lose your appetite, feel weak, exhausted but unable to sleep, and your sex drive may diminish. Many survivors feel generalized pain, stomach aches or heaviness in their chest. Some survivors begin to think of suicide as their symptoms escalate whishing they could die too, to escape the pain. It is very important at these times to have friends and relatives who care.

People who are grieving often become accident prone, which can happen because you are preoccupied with your loss. When driving you should be very aware of your poor concentration, and so, should drive defensively. One should be very careful if using tobacco or alcohol. One should monitor their use because often one’s use increases when grieving. Alcohol is a depressant, which will only make one’s grief worse and prolong it. Short term medication may be necessary in some cases.

You may be surprised at the intensity of you anger for the killer of your loved one. Many offenders do not feel remorse, but some do say sorry. Often the killer’s attorneys will warn them not to make contact with the family, as this may be a considered an admission of guilt. When considering forgiveness, one may think of the 5 “R’s” from the Jewish faith: Recognition of having sinned, Remorse, Repentance, Restitution, and Reform. It may be especially important for most people who have lost a loved one to find evidence of the 5 “R’s” first in order to forgive the perpetrator.

It is difficult to feel some feelings, but feelings are neither right nor wrong, they simply are. It is important though, to not react destructively in response to your feelings. It is important to force yourself to think rationally. You may find that your anger is not only aimed at the killer, but at God, the doctors, the investigating officers and the people that you love very much. Such anger is misplaced and should not be acted on.

Everyone views forgiveness differently. Different life experiences, beliefs and religious convictions lead to different views on forgiveness. Christianity emphasizes God’s compassion for the abused and oppressed, not the oppressors. Love is unconditional, forgiveness is not. It is not easy to forgive; instead it is a highly complex matter. Forgiveness can’t be granted at a whim, it is a much deeper and more intricate issue.

The injustice of the loss of your loved one, the deep hurt and the loss of future dreams may lead to rage. It is helpful to talk about it with someone who cares. Allowing yourself to express these feelings will enable you to free your mind and be more open and realistic about planning for the future. If you try to suppress your anger you may find that you experience physical symptoms. Headaches, stomach aches, colitis, back aches, and high blood pressure amongst other symptoms can arise due to anger.

Positive physical activity helps one to overcome anger.

External trauma is a valid basis of continuing distress. As denial and shock wear off, you may experience feelings that are foreign to you. Particular memories of the trauma may continually intrude your thoughts, or you may have recurring nightmares. You may feel that the external world doesn’t have meaning anymore, and you may feel like withdrawing, you may become absent minded, battle to concentrate and become confused. “If only…” becomes a familiar theme, and you may struggle with guilt for some time.

Another tough job you will have in grieving is to look rationally at how your beliefs make you feel guilty. It is important for you to not exaggerate your role in your loved one’s death. Feeling less guilty won’t necessarily take away your sadness or anger, but it can alleviate a big load off your shoulders.

At first, some feel that they may never be happy again, and they go through a period where they are not ready to get better. Others are eager to get better and find ways to do it. Either way, it may be helpful to look to others who have gone through similar ordeals as they may provide you with encouraging models.

It is likely that you will experience “grief spasms” from time to time, amongst good days something may bring up a grief spasm. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays may be difficult times. It seems strange, but grief spasms can be seen as a celebration of a relationship that meant so much to you that episodes of grief can still overcome you from time to time. As time goes by, after about 3 years, grief spasms will be less frequent.
It is important, in the process of getting better, to focus on life more than on death. By having experienced trauma, you will be able to look at life and keep it in perspective better than others.

In some cases, enduring trauma leads to activity to correct some of the wrongs involved in a sudden, violent death. Most survivors want to prevent it for others. You can join an organization like MADD (or in South Africa SADD, South Africans Against Drunk Driving), to help you focus your anger and grief in a constructive way.

Remember:
• Understand that the shock and injustice of losing someone you love to a sudden and violent death can result in grief that lasts longer, and has a wider range of feelings. It is important to be patient with yourself; many people grieve for months to years. This can last as long as 4 – 7 years.
• Maintain regular contact with your doctor for a year or two, to ensure that you don’t acquire a stress-related physical condition.
• Try to delay major decisions for at least a year or more. Major decisions can create additional stress.
• Feel your feelings, whether they are rage, sadness, vengeance or others. Regard it as a positive step that you are feeling and that you are not numb anymore. Find a way to express your feelings, through writing; exercise, talking etc. also try to think rationally and to act responsibly.
• Look realistically at your guilt. If you are guilty in part for what happened, try to forgive yourself. Don’t carry a load of guilt that isn’t applicable to you.
• Try to be understanding of family members who grieve differently. Talk about what you feel, and encourage others to do the same.
• Be patient with others who say inept things to you, these comments are not made to hurt you. Most people want to help you, but may not know the words to say.
• Remember that no one can fill the shoes of your loved one who has died. It is unrealistic to think that someone else or activities can fill the vacuum in your heart.
• Seek support and understanding from others who have gone through similar kinds of trauma. Join an organization like Compassionate Friends, for those who have lost children.
• Realize that getting better doesn’t mean that you didn’t love your loved one enough. Nor does it mean you will forget them. When and how you recover is up to you.

Death of a Child

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